In my many spins around this terrestrial ball I have seen many things in the evolution of manliness, I saw the Hippie stage, Disco rage, the Prep, Punk, Grunge, and of course the Metro-sexual. I have participated in a few, scoffed at most, and have let these fads fade into the nostalgic realm of history, till now. I remember 2008 when I was buying fly tying materials and noticed a price hike - a BIG PRICE HIKE. I had no answers till I saw all these feathers in women's hair. I'd be working in the fly shop tying away when some frantic, teenaged, Jonas Brothers fan would spill through the door, looking like Medusa with feathers freakishly attached to her hair with orthodontic rubber bands, asking if we had feathers, and begging for the ones on my tying table. When she would ask what I wanted for those prime Whiting Grizzly Hackles, I would grin and say the pink slip, dear. As prices soared I really became angry with the fad, and in near activist fashion, swore I would never let this happen again to the things I count on, and use for work. Now it's happened again... now, to my clothes.
You have to enter this with and understanding of the metro-sexual. A Metro-Sexual is in touch with his emotions, sensitive, and most of all not afraid to be fashionable, effectively neutered; in short everything a woman thinks she wants till she gets it. The lumber-sexual is the backlash to the metro look but it's just a metro in a lumberjack suit- all look but no substance. For example, you are exposed to a lumber sexual as you start your day, it's your barista (yes I said barista) he's got his cropped 1920's hair cut, steriod induced beard dominated by product, Woolrich insulated plaid shirt, duck Carhartt's, and boots on. What's wrong with that you ask??? HE'S INSIDE A TEMPERATURE CONTROLLED BUILDING!!! He's never started a chain saw, cleaned a gun, shoveled snow, or fixed his own car... for crying out loud the last time he was in an auto parts store he bought lubricant for his man-scaping clippers that he skillfully uses to remove all body hair. So hence the rub. I use, no, I need, all the products that these "lumbo's" buy to cover whatever they are compensating for and it's driving up my clothing prices! I can't fix my truck in skinny jeans, nor should society have to bear that. Have you tried scrambling up a rock scree field in Tom's - no, it's not going to happen. I don't worry about spilling coffee and ruining my Carhartt's, that is the burden of the lumber- sexual. I can't imagine the morning when the first pothole doesn't dump hot coffee on my pants! I don't worry about ruining my Carhartt's, I worry that the off gassing of diesel, and oil, will ruin the waders I put over my pants. I wear a wool shirt because it's warm when it's cold and wet outside and releases water vapor when I hike or row, not because it matches my personality- "splashy" or "smokey" and yes the shirt clashes with my beard, because I bought it on sale.
Here's my call to action to all you lumbo's out there in this quandry of identity. Be honest, don't be a "lumbo", just be a dude, use the clothes you buy for what they are intended for, leave your cubicle, or hipster hang out, and go work outside, you might even like it. If not embrace your metro-sexual core, and be the metro you're meant to be. It's good, you're being honest and you're not driving up my wardrobe costs. If you can't stop being a "Lumbo" then at least have the decency to do the right thing, oh, and by the way, the right thing isn't starting a gofundme.com account for my clothes. Try this, watch a few Mike Rowe Youtube videos, a few episodes of dirty jobs, and then book a trip with me... oh, and don't forget the tip, and open doors for ladies too, that though, is another rant.